Dear Butt

To My Butt:

Sorry for kicking you today.

I know, I know. Things have been kind of strange these last couple of months, so I’m not casting blame at anyone (although you and I must agree that you have been exceptionally lazy). The holidays have come and gone, and that is no excuse for you to prance around shaking yourself like it ain’t no thang. It is a thang, and we both need to accept it.

If 2009 is going to be the Year of the Gentleman, then let’s mosey on over to L.A. Fitness and get gussied up the right way. I know today was a little tough for us – you did just fine, baby steps – but we’ll work through it, together. It had to be this way. Just like I’m trying to kick the dirty little habits, just like I’m trying to kick the minutia we had to deal with from our friends of the opposite sex (note how bitterly I’ve used the word friends; even with the new year, I’m still trying to shake my displeasure with being a feezy). I’m getting a lot of practice with this kicking business, so stay tuned after these messages. You will soon bear the brunt of all my hard practice… and learn to love every single second of it.

We did great in `08. You did great in `08. You got yourself to the pool twice, maybe three times a week, and you worked it. You went in there and made us proud. But `08 is long gone. It’s a chapter complete, a song already sung. It has flown out of the window like shattered dreams and last week’s paycheck (okay, I may be joking about that… maybe). So while `08 may have been great, `09 is our time to shine. You and me, Butt. You and me.

Love, Jillian

PS. If you get a chance to talk to my car, please send my apologies his way… especially regarding my alignment, the bird on Friday, those elementary school children and the fact that it really shouldn’t be legal that I am allowed to drive him. And I mean, in my defense, it really isn’t all my fault. Beyonce is partially to blame, real talk. But anyway… if you’ll be so kind as to pass that message along, I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks, and muchos besos.